I’m just sitting here wishing I could draw you. Wishing that I could hold the memory of your beautiful grin just long enough for that. But no – like a needle pulling thread you surface and dive into the colorful fibers of my unstable imagination. It seems that the harder I grip, the quicker the grains of your image run out of my mind’s hands. Your memory is a fragile butterfly that I may only ever watch and never hold, lest I kill it. The ribbons of my thought run and flutter, sketching your face on the canvas of the sky, but it is all blown away by the wind. I delve into the sweet pool of watercolored dreams and blend into the paints of a fantasy I pretend to be reality. All of it is a delightful illusion that shifts like the shades of the deep ocean.
I think something was making me bitter when I wrote this back in high school.
Dragon eyes of fierce despise:
You cough up flames of painful memories
And ravage the towns and peaceful valleys.
Your wrath kills kings and massacres nations,
You guardian of hell and master of demons.
You feed on the tragedies of mankind
And wreck creation, leaving nothing behind.
Soul of hate, you feast on Earth,
Flourish on the misery of one’s birth.
Dragon – you idol of of angry hate
Seal each soul’s irrevocable fate.
How dare you burn and bite my heart?
You are the Da Vinci of this dark art.
There are some things we just keep looking for.
Where is the land of all desires
Where is the home of freedom
and the haven for tired souls
Where is the heart of joy
and true pleasure
Where is the land we all search for
Move in the realm of endless reality
To drown in a dream I never knew began.
Sink into the silk of time and space
And ride the wave of a stand still.
Nonsense overwhelms and engulfs
The threadbare lucidity of blindfolded existence –
A song is produced, a symphony that transcends
The logic of mind and physical body.
All that I’ve ever known cascades into bright oblivion,
And an enlightenment kisses my soul.
I lose form and melt into the breath of the universe,
Becoming one with a truth I could not before bare.
Wrote this way back in third year high school. Aya told me to post it before, but I only really thought of doing it now. I was basically trying to mimic what dreams felt like for me, in a way.
Happy Resurrection Sunday!
I still think this needs a LOT of editing, but I’ll probably make a 2.0 in the future. (I might make a 2.0 series, actually. There’s so much I still want to edit HAHA).
You set the world into motion
And rocked my heart from its stillness
You were the murmur
That called me from the lull of the dust
You promised me a future like the stars
And it put lights in my eyes
I left my mother and father to join You
And begin our Story together
I was the least of my brothers
But in my weakness, You are strong
You delivered bounty in time of meagerness
Until man’s heart worked me for gluttony
Then You put a sea between me and those who owned me
And gave me freedom in claiming me as Yours
You wrote Your love for me
To abide in in a home of milk and honey
I celebrated and studied Your enchanting world
I rejoiced in the richness of the earth
And the possibilities of wealth and new things
But in relishing it, You faded into the background
I replaced You with Your gifts
Forgetting past and future, my side of our vow
I struck out, wanting what was already ours
So my vanities consumed me but did not satisfy
I threw my voice into the cacophony around me
And grew deaf to You
You offered Your hand and Your mercies
But I’d slid out of reach and numbed to tenderness
All the while staying Your disappointment,
You sent messengers, until You had to send soldiers
I was snatched away,
And my pride was broken, apart from You
In my suffering, I glimpsed who You are
And realized who I was in You
And I dreamt of You, of home
And persevered with what I had left of You
You championed my release from my own trap,
And we rebuilt our house
I knew now that I wanted none other than You
And I would make sure our children knew the same
I meted out Your words
And measured my neighbor by them
I sterilized my habits and refused to reconsider
I nitpicked the complexities of Your desires
I became haughty and self-assured of Your favor
I obsessed over the power of being Yours
I colored the light of Your heart with my black desires
And the old me snuck under the sheepskin of restoration
I misunderstood You
So You became like me so that I could know You
Your servants recognized you and rejoiced
But Your lover never noticed
Yet You told stories anyway
And touched my sores and opened my eyes
Your presence filled the loneliness
In the gaps between me and You
You were unafraid of upturning tables
So that disparities could be levelled
You did not hesitate to disturb my tranquility
To give me true peace
You clothe the lily and feed the birds,
Quench my thirst in this desert,
And sustain me through Your word,
Just like five thousand others
But I kept seeing You for something else –
I insisted on what I thought I knew about You
The self You were showing me
Was unlike anything I’d known before
Your words were mysteries – but Your voice, truth;
Though I hardly realized it
Through patience, despite hurt and anger
You pulled me from paralysis to stand beside You
But I left You
I ran away when they came for You
I denied You
As many times as You would ask if I loved You
I laughed while they hoisted You up in suffering
I went back to business when You let go
And my hopeful fervor went with You
“Appears there’s nothing more there.”
And then you proved me wrong.
You did the impossible –
You came back to me
Despite all that was done to You
Your truth struck down to my rawness,
Your love clarified my murky sight,
Your will surpassed my expectation,
And Your embrace liberated me
Now You break the dawn and
Cast me blazing into the shadows,
Running over them in bounding leaps,
And shaking off their hold on me
My voice will carry melodies for You,
And my heart will carry crosses.
My shoulders will carry leaders,
And my arms will carry the broken.
My mind will sanctify in truth,
And my feet will crush injustices.
My hands will plant seeds,
And my legs will cross earths.
Every part of me is Yours –
And even if the Spirit of You holds me,
Past the faltering and stumbling,
The whole of me aches for the final day
The day Your vow will be completed –
And I will be completed in my purpose,
Completed in love unbound by flesh and blood,
Completed in You.
I went to Headway School for Giftedness, my alma mater, to do some fieldwork for thesis back in February, just a few days before my 20th birthday. It was a very exciting day – words cannot describe what thesis has put me, Iya and Steff through. But I’m happy about it. Something about everything just went in full circle. Did I mention I met a fellow Atenean there? And the last time I visited, they had invited me to be a resident psychologist there once I got licensed. I might take them up on it.
Below is an excerpt from an email exchange I had between a child I had randomly met at Headway.