Something old that I found lying around in the drafts section. It’s really not that artistic, more like word-splatter. I wanted something slightly more stream-of-consciousness on my blog (if any of you have noticed, I try different approaches to several posts, both in style, topic and function). I decided that I still wanted it posted, and I’m more comfortable posting it now than I had been earlier.
At least I don’t get to suffer this alone. Maybe it’s selfish that I want someone else to be suffering through this with me, but it’s my one solace.
Context: Sadly, people don’t value the same things I do, and I have to adjust. I have to let go of things, and maybe I have to stop wanting what’s not good for me. It’s just sad, because I really still feel like I lost. Maybe I’m over liking him. Maybe it’s really more a matter of pride than actual love. I dunno, maybe it’s some sort of defense mechanism. Maybe I know I’m not strong enough yet to legitimately fall in love with someone and suffer not being loved back. Then again, this isn’t the first time my feelings haven’t been reciprocated.
I still wish I could have stayed there, actually. Actually, not there, with them, but wherever, with him. I mean, at least we could talk about it. Or well, connect over it. I dunno, just so that I didn’t feel so alone. I hate it. ‘Cause once upon a time, there was no lonely, just alone. And I was okay with that. I couldn’t understand how other people could be so goshdarn sawi all the time. Like come on, there are things other than love out there. It didn’t make sense.
But then life comes along and gives you a taste of something beautiful, and then you finally get it. You finally understand all the “stupid” love songs, you finally get cheesy literature. This whole new world opens up, and it just looks like… everything. The sun seems to shine brighter. Everyday feels like a good day. Everything is just so right in the world that you actually feel like nothing can go wrong.
And that’s the stupidest part of it all. Or perhaps, ingenious. Seriously, could anyone outsmart and get ahead of that kind of fantasy? Even the best of us have fallen to that, being one of those crazy, crazy, crazy believers thinking that yeah, things could be beautiful. That maybe you could get your fairy tale ending. It won’t be the standard cliche, perhaps, but it would be a beautiful love story. And crap, it would be yours. You have joined the gods in their revels.
But no. Without a sign, or maybe with all the signs you ignored, or all the signs you denied, or all the signs you underestimated, your bubble bursts. Your world shatters. It’s all gone. The fall is shocking, about as massive and impactful as a star falling in on itself. Light, and then… everything is inverted. Such incredible darkness surrounds you, so much that you even feel it in you, hiking up your throat and biting on your chest, and there’s pain inside and outside and the pressure’s going to break somewhere. You’re tempted to withdraw from your idealism and sink into bitterness, isolation and numbness.
That was my world a couple of months ago. But I was determined not to fall into depravity like that. I would not be the bitter soul. I was going to come out of this strong. Was I okay? Hardly. But I was going to come out of this strong. Broken, perhaps, but not as an adjective of the present. Broken as in that was what I was. I was not destroyed. I was deconstructed. I was going to be remade. I was going to be reborn.
Of course I miss the way things used to be. Who wouldn’t? I was living a fantasy. The real world is exquisite, granted, but there was something else about that other world. Like everyone says, love is the closest thing we have to magic. The real world is mystery and adventure and challenges and development and glory…. but that was magic. It was everything AND everything else. And perhaps that’s why it was a the most beautiful lie I’d heard.
But it was still a lie. I’ve realized that I don’t want magic. I want a miracle. I still believe in love. I’m incredibly cynical about a lot of things, and I’m cynical about romance, but I still hold on to love. Because you can’t live life without it. It just wouldn’t be life, at least not to the fullest, without it.
So I’ve come around to my senses. I’ve realized certain things, and I’ve learned a lot from the experience, which I won’t detail here (although it may come up in future writings, although I won’t tie it in to this experience). It doesn’t hurt anymore, not really. Of course, it still makes me unhappy when I see the two of them together. I’m happy for both of them, in the sense that they’re happy and, in general, I’m happy when other people are happy. I guess I just kinda wish that I could have some of that happiness for myself. As in, not just a sympathetic happiness. A happiness that I can experience firsthand.
Anyway, I hate to use this as a clutch, but I’m extremely happy that you’re suffering through this with me. I feel terrible for what you’re going through, don’t get me wrong. If I had my way, I’d chase him away so that you could have her. I know how things moved and grooved between the two of you. It was beautiful. But I won’t deny that having you around turned my quiet, patient neutrality into, well, a shift of perspective. It wasn’t like a distraction, like my pain was the default that hanging out would bandage over. Instead, all of a sudden, the bitterness wouldn’t cross my mind at all. Reminders didn’t even hurt. Things felt light again, and free. I could focus on other things again and laugh with a lot more sincerity. I felt like I was back to normal. Maybe even better than before. Things were the way I had hoped they would be after I had been deconstructed.
I wish I could return the favor somehow, and I guess that’s why I try to be here for you. And I also want to make your love story work for you. I wish you could have the happy ending that I didn’t. As awkward as I am around any couple, something tells me that I wouldn’t be bothered by the two of you, I swear it. It just looked like something that was secure. I dunno, everything just looked so okay. Maybe it really was all temporary. But it was beautiful. And I guess even I was led to believe that you two would stay that way, or perhaps go in deeper, until… well, until this stage in our life passes. Basically it didn’t look like it would change the way it suddenly did. Why does the game change rules so fast?
I like the dude. He’s a nice guy. But for your sake, I want to keep him at bay from her. For your sake, I want to shake her awake… but I’m not even sure if she’s asleep. I mean, she’s happy with him too… darn it, why’d your case have to be so similar to mine? Why did the world have to move so fast?
But however this turns out, I’m happy for the now. I’m happy that we’ve technically got each other through this mess. To some degree, I can trust you. You can trust me. I don’t know what more to add to this. We’re just not alone. That makes things a lot better.