The Snippet Series #4: A Grievance

Using **** in place of friend’s name.


 

****.

I’m not sure exactly how to start this, but I’ll just go with it.

I know you can be cold at times. Cynical, pessimistic, rolling your eyes at my idealism. I’ve learned to accept that about you, and maybe even appreciate. But I do believe that the way you act in real life takes it too far.

How many times have you physically pushed me away? How many times have you dismissed my efforts to talk to you? How many times have you sneered at my ideas and growled at my kindness or gentleness? I try to tell myself maybe you’re on an off day, or maybe I pushed you too far. But fudge, you’re my only friend who’s like this, and you’re like this 80% of the time. Do you not like my attention? Do you not like that I care?

You make it so clear through your actions that you want nothing to do with me. And actions speak louder than words. And words are all you’ve been giving me on chat.

All we do is chat. Am I only a repository that exists to satisfy your ego? Don’t you ever look for me, or want to go on adventures and whatnot with me? Don’t you want to ask how my day was?

Why are you so hesitant to connect with me? It ticks you off when I ask for favors, but you know I’d gladly help you in any way that I can. You keep secrets even if you know I’d never judge you for them or stop being your friend for it. And you judge me for my affections, even if that’s who I am. Why can’t you love that part of me, too?

You said that if you ever had an issue with me, you’d tell me. But when I ask, everything “just is.” It’s your nature, you say. Our friendship operates almost wholly on your terms. Fudge it, ****, that’s not fair.

I’ve been patient, as I said. I can be understanding, and I’ve been forgiving for the times you “explained,” because that’s often as close as I’m getting to an apology. But this has gone past cute. Past understanding. I can love someone’s ugly, but I deserve more than their hate. I swear, the way you act makes me feel like you hate me. And I hate how that makes me hesitant to approach you. I hate how that makes me uncomfortable around you. And I hate how I feel I need to be careful about what I say or do. What kind of friendship is that?

This has been bothering me for a while now, and I’ve always asked you about it. And you explain, and we talk, and I hope you understand, but you don’t. And it makes me wonder if I should be demanding these things. You’ve always said that you give when you feel like giving – of yourself, of your time. Fudge it, ****. I don’t need you to be my friend when it’s “convenient” for you. We aren’t strangers, and I shouldn’t expect nothing from you.

You know, last year, in the summer, we stopped talking. I shrugged it off. I guessed that was it. I guessed I was a phase, like all your annual best friends. But then you came back, and became bipolar in interacting with me ever since. You’d burst with excitement to talk to me, and then you’d brush me off. I’m not one of your jackets that you can put on or take off whenever you want.

I wanted stability. If you were going to be senseless, then I’d be constant. I didn’t want our friendship to be dependent on your mood swings. I decided I was going to be a consistent friend to you. But this is definitely turning into less than I deserve.

I want you to recognize me. I want to have an effect on you. I want to know that we have a real bond, and I’m not just pretending or blindly hoping that you’re actually my friend, and that you love me. ‘Cause if you won’t be that, then I’m done. If you don’t want to be my friend, then let me go. ‘Wag kang magkwento sa’kin, naghahanap ng makikinig. ‘Wag kang tumakbo sa’kin, naghahanap ng pagpapayo. At lalong ‘wag kang magpa-cute, naghahanap ng kapatawaran. My forgiveness is not equal to your sweetness. Don’t share your soul with me if you don’t want a share of mine, too.

I don’t want to let go of you. But if you won’t be a good friend to me, then the boy I want doesn’t exist, and there’s nothing to hold on to.

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