Why am I investing my time into you?
What do I gain? There are few things that you’ve said to me directly to make me any wiser. There are few things that you’ve done directly that restored my faith in humanity. I haven’t learned any new philosophies from you, I haven’t learned anything new about the arts or the sciences. You have no quirks that pleasantly amuse me, you aren’t hilarious. Being with you does nothing to my social status. Your example does not reflect how I want to lead my social life. I can’t order you around. I can’t bully you too much. You don’t even inflate my ego. And I feel hesitant about challenging you.
And I know friendship shouldn’t be about those things. Friendship should be about being able to trust. Friendship is about having someone who’s got your back. Friendship is about having someone to share life with.
Is it that ideal that drives me to you?
Everyone wants to reach the ideal. Everyone wants to achieve that and be “noble”. Much like how we’re willing to suffer and die for love, because we’re convinced that true love can stand whatever sorrows are thrown our way.
My parents recently told me to hitch my carriage to fast horses. I wouldn’t consider you a fast horse. But just because you aren’t the fastest doesn’t mean you’re not worth going on a run with.
Indirectly, you’ve taught me so much about myself. You’ve taught me about love, about mercy, about honesty, about trust, about feelings, about understanding, about limits, about freedom, about courage, about joy, about perseverance, about respect, about my faults, about my fears, about what I believe in, about what I want in life. I’m so much more human now, thanks to you.
And maybe that’s why I still want to be with you. Because you’ve brought me so much closer to that humanistic ideal. You’re probably one of the greatest miracles in my life, one of the miracles that my heart just can’t seem to appreciate completely just yet. You are my greatest example of agapic love. But I think that’s what still bothers me.